so, I'd write but, as usual, there's nothing to say.
I feel a lot, but none of that is very interesting, or it might be to some limited demographic who like that sort of thing or at least, find that interesting, if I were to go into enough detail to make it all make enough sense in order for those sorts of people to offer any sort of useful advice, which, if I am not mistaken, and I don't think that in this case I am, is what makes personal, pouring one's heart out to the public, introspective, cry for help type writing attractive to them.
That is just one sentence there, in case you were wondering, take that Jane!*
I might write a blog post that's entirely made of one sentence one day, there's a goal to aim for. It's good to have goals, it helps when there's really not much else. In fact, maybe it's the lack of goals that's making me feel so whatever it is I am. I did 100 videos and then I decided I would alter the project in that I don't really have any sort of mission anymore I just kind of intend to do sort of regular videos. It's not the same. And the other stuff I was doing er.. yeah, whatever stuff it was. I'm not doing anymore, though I have all the time in the world, seeing as I'm not doing anything else.
The not doing anything isn't really a huge problem for me, in and of itself, not to the extend it would be for normal people. I can spend an awful lot of time doing not much at all, and very little is enough to make me sort of fulfilled at least as fulfilled as I'd be doing way more, but it's the not getting paid and wondering where I'm going to get money from and the feeling of doom that bothers me you see. And a feeling of uselessness. I don't much like feeling that there is no point to me at all, which is increasingly becoming abundantly clear.
Yes, those things bother me. I expect I'll spend the next days somewhere between a bit of to a lot of a funk, to successfully distracting myself with content accessed from the internet and feelings of something that resembles hope but isn't really but is enough like it to make it look like there's a possibility of change. Or something else. I might write about it.
*Austen, for reasons an educated person should understand so I shan't explain.
Monday, May 29, 2017
so, I'd write but, as usual, there's nothing to say.
Thursday, May 25, 2017
I done 100 of these.
I'm not sure I was talking of milestones, was I. Well here's one I mean there's one.
update: I didn't really do 100 videos as I accidentally left out #74, so this video is my 99th video. It's a sham!
update of update: I have now done 100 videos.
Tuesday, May 23, 2017
I haven't yet, but assuming I will put an adequate number of words in this entry arranged in a manner that generally pleases me enough to hit post before the computer freezes up the electricity goes out or I die, or any other calamity that may befall me that would for any reason prevent me from posting whatever bit of writing I will end up with, I will have done it.
I will have 17 posts for this month, equal to the number I did in the entirety of last year. Of course if I don't count the photos, shameless links to videos and other posts which otherwise are devoid of any wordy content, I'm not quite there yet. If I'm not going to include the ones which are all made of words but nevertheless devoid of subject, quality, themes, that sort of thing.. I might be a while.
I'd have a drink except I don't have a drink.
Monday, May 22, 2017
A few days ago I posted about a house guest we have, and mentioned we'd be having a few guests joining her pretty soon.
Well they're here. They arrived in the wee hours of the morning yesterday (? Saturday night so Sunday morning about 3:00, and 4:00) next to me in my bed.
It wasn't expected at all, she'd not done any of the stuff a cat is supposed to do in the 24 hours before giving birth though she was behaving oddly all day, and kind of vicious at times.
So that night, after watching some telly and turning everything off, I'm lying there with the at beside me, something she never did, jump up on the bed to join us, but she's lying there and the sounds start becoming weird, little mews and thorough cleaning. Eventually I realized yep, she's had kittens. She had 2, and then when I got up to see about but not do anything at all about a drip in the bathroom she seemed to get frazzled and confused and wanted to move her 2 kittens to the loft thingy in the other room, seeing as, a human's bed where she sleeps, not an ideal place. She moved 2, and then she went back to the bed to have another kitten. We were all in her way and freaking out because she looked all confused and trying to help her but she was kind of, viciously insanely psychotic, which didn't make it an easy night. She stayed on the bed cleaning for ages as we pleaded with her to go to her babies, then she went up and and came back and was back and forth scratching and biting out feet when the mood took her.. it wasn't an easy night.
Anyway they're now about 2 days old and she seems to have calmed down. They're living upstairs so I haven't really seen them since she moved them, though I hear a little squeaky mew every now and again, and she's going up there for some reason so I like to believe they're all ok.
Anyway, in case you wondered what was knew around here.
Saturday, May 20, 2017
Did I tell you that I live on the coolest street in Prague? Well I do. At least that's what some magazine or whatever said. The whole area is becoming more cool every day, and more expensive, ordinary schlubs like me are being slowly pushed out. This building is being fixed up and we're expected to pay for it, and I don't mean just by having to listen to the construction going on.
Anyway, this super cool street has a festival every year in May on a Saturday and this is the day. People, music, food and drink stands, dogs barking at the horror of being surrounded by so much noise and people, that sort of thing. I'm just not feeling it. When you have no friends and no money it's all a bit, well annoying. I did go down there for a while, but more for anthropological and documenting purposes than actually being a part of it. There's too many people, and if there's a halfway decent band going on the crowds watching in what is a quite narrow street make it impossible to pass. I mean you can pass, but it's a pain in the ass. So here I am, on my own, being grouchy. I think this is all I have to look forward to.
Friday, May 19, 2017
not literally of course, and metaphorically either, to be honest. I mean, I'm not saying I never feel overwhelmed by stuff, bogged down, like I'm losing everything, worried, and anxious, and doomed. I do quite often, very often, and it's entirely unremarkable that I'm experiencing those feelings at the moment. Hmm, I guess that's what the metaphor means, cliched though it is.
Mostly it's an excuse to post the photo.
Thursday, May 18, 2017
I really hate the drawing board. I'm so sick of it, give me something else already! But it doesn't matter what I do, I keep getting sent back. I'm stuck here, I might as well make myself comfortable. Put some cushions about, stick up pictures up because this is where I am.
Is it to much to ask for something to work out? Yeah it's demoralizing to get just ignored, and it pisses me off to get rejected after one correspondence, and to be offered an interview just to get the sorry, but reply afterwards, to do a rigorous test after a successful interview just for it to turn into sorry but, after all, to pass a test, sign fucking contract and other papers, and then not hear anything and then it turns out you're on the database or there's some other round or some such other incomprehensible rubbish.
I don't like it when they ignore me, and I don't like it when they keep getting back to me for more rounds, I'm so fucking hard to please, I mean, what do I want?
Well glad you asked, what I'd like is for it all to fucking come to something. To get to the end and fucking succeed. To get fucking paid for fucks sake. Is it too much to fucking ask? I'm asking you here because I'm starting to think that I'm being unreasonable in expecting to be treated as a generally (at least kind of) worthy person who's capable of doing a fucking simple job for a bit of fucking money for fucks fucking sake.
I'm slightly peeved.
Wednesday, May 17, 2017
Hate them. I mean what the fuck are they/is it/one? Is it a sentence, or part of one or whatever not my problem... and why do you have a number zero I mean, make up your mind. And modals, who the fuck cares, and what a stupid word. Who wants to get bogged down with those kinds of details, once I hear the word "modal" I'm like "Michelle is bored" and Michelle zones out.
I admit to being somewhat partial to gerunds though. Gerunds I can handle.
*doesn't mention anything about participles because this is a family blog*
*not really but still*